So you want to make commercials eh?

Making commercials is easy, and it always has been. That is unless you want to be some art school asshole, and make a real message with a ground breaking commercial that is so concept driven it seems like you stole the idea from God. Then your shit out of luck buddy boy, but if you want to make a commercial that stands the test of time, like "where's the beef?!" or "leggo my eggo!" then follow me lemming, I can teach you the way.

Modern mainstream commercials are always based on one simple rule, try to think of the most asshole thing you could possibly do, then make a thirty second movie about it. Don't believe me? Oh ye of little faith. Think about it, every commercial you have ever seen is just some dude or chick being a complete asshole to the rest of the world. I think car commercials are by far the worst, and easiest example to make. Think about every car commercial you have ever seen in your entire life. They are all pretty much the same right? Some guy driving his brand new car down the longest, most dangerous, deserted back road he can find. Testing the limits his machine. Now imagine if you will, riding with that person. It would be like, "FUCK STEVE! Why the hell are we even on this road?!? We could of taken the interstate jackass! And for the love of mike SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Your going to make me spill my big gulp!"

Truck commercials are even worse. It's always some guy plowing through a big mud puddle and then fishtailing his truck up to the construction site so the tailgate can fall down and show the giant load of bricks he's carrying. I've never worked construction before but I'm pretty sure if I got a job on some site and started driving through giant mud puddles and doing doughnuts at the build site I wouldn't have my fucking job for very long. Construction workers, albeit a rough group of customers, always seemed to be very into job safety to me. At the very least I wouldn't have anyone to talk to when the sandwich truck showed up because I'd be that fucking guy who drives through the mud puddle whenever I got a chance!

And retail commercials aren't any different. It's just a different type of asshole message. Here, take a look at this commercial from Target. Well what did you see? Did you see a bunch of people enjoying all the products they bought at Target as they brought themselves closer to their families and other assorted goals in life? Really? Because this is what I saw. Do you remember getting haircuts from your dad?! Because I fucking do! And they where never cool, he just made you look like Bobby Hill from King of the Hill. Why the fuck do you think Bobby's' hair is like that?! BECAUSE HIS DAD FUCKING CUTS IT!!!

So there you have it. Everything you need to know about making commercials for the average schmuck. Raise your head up high and know that you too can make just about anything and put it on TV and get someone to buy some shit they don't need. It's just that simple. But fret not, because all is not lost. All commercials are not like this. Every now and then you come across something that is really brilliant. Something that someone actually had to sit down and work very hard on. Probably some skinny girl jean wearing asshole. But lets not hold that against him. Because no matter how much it would suck to get stuck in the elevator with that guy, he still brings us stuff like this. Without even coming to our houses.

tommyservo